Failure

When I think of failure, it's usually as a result of not working or trying hard enough. If I say that I failed, it's probably because I didn't do something right. Somehow it all comes back to being my responsibility. Lately I've been hearing a different message. I've failed time and again, yes, but it's not from lack of trying.

I'm results-driven and detail-oriented. At work I make sure that everything is getting done that needs to be done. I keep busy. In a way, I'm a workaholic. I have difficulty surrendering control (ever notice how protective I get if I'm training someone?). In a work environment perhaps this sounds good, but when refocused with the perspective of God is always supremely in control, it doesn't make sense. It looks like I'm trying too hard. I'm refusing to give God control of every aspect of my life. I'm busy trying to do while God is patiently waiting for me to acknowledge Him and just be.

I wrote a letter to a friend a couple weeks ago and in it expressed my frustration in life and how I'm looking into several choices with my future. Here are some of the poignant parts of his response. "You don't have to be concerned with your future. God has everything in control! Dan, God wants to use you in ministry if you are willing to be obedient to Him." Speaking of his own struggle with how God might use him, he wrote, "You know, Dan, the only problem with that was I was doing instead of being. God can work through His children only if we are obedient to Him. The moment I surrendered to Him my all is when God showed me His plan for me to go to college to be a minister." And in case I still haven't heard God speaking to me through this, "We can spend our whole life in doing when all along God wants us in being with Him. . . . Are you ready right now to answer His call?"

Wasn't that one of the fundamental problems that Israel faced? God wanted a pure relationship with His chosen people. Even when they seemed to be getting it right, however, there was still the matter of the heart. Were they living based on the Law for the sake of the Law or because of their relationship with God and love for Him? At times God noted that "their heart is far from Me" (Is. 29:13). What reasons do we have for what we do? Is it truly for Christ? Often it is to do what is expected of me or in hopes of gaining what I desire or to keep from getting the consequences that I deserve. Even in the alleged "service of God" we can be doing things for the wrong reasons. Making food for the Friday night ministry became an unpleasant burden that was expected of me rather than a joy and an act of service. Going to the prayer meeting became a drudgery, a time of doing something that was expected rather than a true and open outpouring and conversation with my Lord. I felt stifled, unable even to pray what truly was on my heart. And for a while I tried to keep them up. Eventually I couldn't keep up the facade any longer; it wasn't productive or healthy or uplifting for myself or others. It has to be for the right reason or it will be offensive to God.

Hearing God's call is a fascinating topic to me. Maybe it's because I've wrestled with it pretty much since I was saved. Maybe it's because so often I feel like I still don't get it. Maybe it's because I think that slowly, by His grace, I'm starting to see it. We don't get the whole picture at once; instead God gives us a glimpse, a word, a desire and tells us to begin in faith. Did Joshua know what was ahead when God made him the leader of Israel during the conquest? Could Peter have imagined what would happen with him when he met Jesus of Nazareth? I want to know more of the picture while God is telling me to start and He'll reveal it in His timing.

This week I received a very encouraging letter from someone else as well. He wrote, "You need a faithful prayer-group. They will support you but you must be willing to go out without any support." Am I that dedicated to the call of Christ? Am I that sure of the call? And if I were to do that, would it be following God's call or doing it of my own accord, trying to push my way through? Would I be trying to make my will the same thing as God's will rather than submitting directly to His perfect will?

Even when it comes to working for God, we can do it for the wrong reasons. Am I doing it or is God doing it through me (or however else He sees fit, for the matter)? Am I building God's kingdom or my own? Who is it really about - God or myself? I confess that I fail a lot. I say that I'm letting go and giving God control, but then I reach for that last grasp of control and hold onto it for dear life. It's not about me or what I do. It's all about the Lord. I have relied on my own strength, on human means to accomplish things, but that isn't His desire. Lord, I repent and seek Your forgiveness. Father, please forgive me for these acts of selfish pride. Oh Lord, show me a better way. Show us a better way!