To say that I've been stressed, frustrated, angry lately would be, unfortunately, understatements. Talking about it hasn't helped. Leaving the situation for a couple days didn't help. In fact, it might have made it worse. What can I do? I have failed so many times this past week in my anger. And perhaps because of my anger, I have failed in other areas. I don't know what to do other than to find a way to extricate myself from the conditions that have brought on such anger. But does that really solve the underlying vulnerability to anger? It seems like that is something that must be dealt with, but how?
I'm at my breaking point - emotionally, mentally, physically. I'm tired of being tired, of not sleeping well, of feeling like crap. Usually when I don't sleep well and feel bad long enough, I start to come to God. And we get things straightened out. God feels so distant this time. And it's so hard... In short, I still feel broken. And powerless. And stuck, oh how stuck I feel. And useless. I can't relax enough to even have a conversation with God. I've tried and given up. If this is testing, I cannot fathom the purpose of the test. If this is redemptive suffering, great. But I'm already saved by grace through Jesus Christ's death and resurrection. Is it to bear witness to others through my circumstances? I know not the point of going through this. But I can be relatively sure that it's shortening my lifespan. The stress response affects my body, affects my blood vessels. But it's not about self-preservation. It's affecting my life, my relationships, who I am and how I share that with others.
Father, I can't get out of this on my own. Circumstances surround me, try to hold me down. I slip backwards into depression and anger. How can I share your love with others when it seems to vanish from my own presence? Fill my cup, oh Lord. Let it overflow. You know exactly what I need. In my brokenness and weakness, You are strong, and Your strength shines through. Lord, I need You. I feel like I'm falling to pieces. I would love to have a new place to live, a place that I can afford, close to friends, where I can relax when I come home, study and do schoolwork, prepare for ministries, and have people come over. I don't think I can do this commuting thing for another semester, dealing with all the little things too. But it feels like things just aren't finished in Indiana. If I leave here now, I leave my church, my friends, bible study, the job that you provided me that I'm still waiting to start. I don't have the money to move to South Carolina yet or a way to find an apartment there. I know that You can take care of all of that for me. But it doesn't seem like I'm supposed to leave here yet. What am I supposed to do? Where can I go but to You? Lord, be my Provider again. Prepare me for this semester, that even in studying I would glorify You, my Lord and my Father. Help me to overcome anger, depression and frustration. And help me to be satisfied with your provision in my life. I need You. I need You so much. I need You to fill the void in my heart and in my life. I'm tired, and tired of feeling frustrated. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of getting my heart trampled on when I'm looking even just for friendship or occasional sympathy. I don't want to be a bitter person. But so many things are pushing me down the path that I don't want to go. And I've already fallen down that path. Lord, I need You! I need You to pull me out, to rescue me! I need You to make this life worth living. I am empty. I have nothing left to give to others. I can't stand for ministry to be rote. I need Your love in my life. I need to rely on You. I need an escape from what keeps me bound. I need a rescue, oh God. Please, rescue me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-v91MIT4GEg
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