some thoughts and a prayer

I am becoming convinced that sarcasm/cynicism breeds contempt.

Pretty much every day there are things that I should have handled differently. I'm getting tired of the taste of my feet. Somehow there's solace in Matthew 18:21-22, but I still find myself questioning it so often. I don't just want to think about and hear about grace. I think that can be the easy way out instead of really delving into the issues. If effectively unlimited forgiveness is the case, why does my church family kick me and tell me to get up (or to stay out of their way) when I know I've fallen? Yes, they're sinners also saved by the grace of the same God. How can we love our neighbors when we get frustrated and sick of our own family?

How can I truly share the fullness of joy and love in Christ Jesus my Savior when I feel, and have felt for some time now, the vast distance between myself and Him? I feel so distant from Him. And I'm trying to get back, I'm making time, I'm praying, but God still just feels distant. Maybe someone will remind me that even my feelings can be wrong, that God still loves me, just as much as always, that He has plans for me, that He is sovereign, that I need to rejoice in good days and bad. I'm exhausted in pretty much every sense. The only thing really left to do is to go cry before my Father somewhere in private. Maybe He's just let me become this exhausted so that I will cry, so that I can come before Him fully broken, not just cracked and hoping to get refurbished. I don't know.

How far can I fall but Your grace will still catch me? I cannot fathom the answer. You who knew me before I was born, You who called me from long ago. You alone are my Help, Redeemer. What I deserve, I hope never to see even in my dreams. I cannot stand before Your Holiness as a sinner. What mortal can look upon Your glory? To live for You would be a gift to small for the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, of life. Jesus Christ suffered and died in my place. That is something I lose sight of far too often. Oh Lord, please heal my vision that I would see You clearly, that You would be the center of my focus. May not I but You be in control of my life. May what You desire be what I desire.