Vulnerability, Being "Truefaced", Genuine

I've been reading a couple of books for classes lately that have been dealing with how we as believers interact and share the gospel. One of the points that was made several times and has shown itself important in my life lately is the need to be honest and vulnerable with others. It's time for the facade to disappear. Why do we submit an unrealistic portrait of ourselves to the watching world? Believers don't have everything figured out. I'm broken, a sinner saved by the grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ, a saint by merit of that same grace. I'm unsure of myself; I question God sometimes; I view myself as weak, especially in certain areas like meeting new people. But so many people don't get to see the weakness, as if it shouldn't be there. Yet God declares that His power is made perfect in (our) weakness and that His grace is sufficient for us (2 Cor 12:9). If we truly believe that, we need to be putting that faith into action and allowing the Spirit of God to use us and to conform us to His image.

Sometimes evangelism is straightforward. We have an international bible study with quite a few nonbelievers who have little exposure to Christianity. We can tell them about Jesus, who He is, what He's done, why that's important and what difference it makes. But we also can and should share our love with them. We can take them places, befriend them, show them that we're human too. It's important to share a level of self-disclosure with them. It helps them to see who we are and what Christ does in our individual lives.

After all, isn't it important that believers are witnesses not just of the history of God's interaction with humankind but, importantly, His interaction in our own lives? Is a witness one who declares what has been, as a historian, or is it a person who experienced something and shares/recounts that experience with others? If we lead detached lives, detached friendships, detached ministries, we are refusing to show people God's greatest gift in our own lives - His salvation that He has given us. Not every moment calls for us to share our testimony with others, and likewise not every moment calls for us to share Scripture. We need to be fluent in sharing both experience and God's word. Experience does not trump Scripture, but a changed life is a great thing to share. Do we root that changed life in the revelation of God or should a changed life be all the evidence a person needs to recognize Christ, repent and believe and persevere in the faith? If experience were all, there would not be a need for the Word of God. But having it, we should be reading it, learning and applying it appropriately. For we know, "All Scripture is God-breathed, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be perfected, thoroughly furnished to every good work" (2 Tim. 3:16-17).

Who am I to others? Who are you? What are you trying to let people see, and what are they really seeing when they look at you? Are you willing to appear undignified for the sake of Christ? Are you willing to show that you can be vulnerable or that you don't have it all together? Which is more important to you: self-image or doing what it takes to "gain the more" as the apostle Paul wrote in 1 Cor. 9:19-22? It's time to be a willing vessel for the Lord to use so that His glory would be proclaimed and that salvation would come to the ends of the earth. Would you die to yourself daily if that's what it takes? Jesus demands no less (Luke 9:23).

Dealing with Anger

To say that I've been stressed, frustrated, angry lately would be, unfortunately, understatements. Talking about it hasn't helped. Leaving the situation for a couple days didn't help. In fact, it might have made it worse. What can I do? I have failed so many times this past week in my anger. And perhaps because of my anger, I have failed in other areas. I don't know what to do other than to find a way to extricate myself from the conditions that have brought on such anger. But does that really solve the underlying vulnerability to anger? It seems like that is something that must be dealt with, but how?

I'm at my breaking point - emotionally, mentally, physically. I'm tired of being tired, of not sleeping well, of feeling like crap. Usually when I don't sleep well and feel bad long enough, I start to come to God. And we get things straightened out. God feels so distant this time. And it's so hard... In short, I still feel broken. And powerless. And stuck, oh how stuck I feel. And useless. I can't relax enough to even have a conversation with God. I've tried and given up. If this is testing, I cannot fathom the purpose of the test. If this is redemptive suffering, great. But I'm already saved by grace through Jesus Christ's death and resurrection. Is it to bear witness to others through my circumstances? I know not the point of going through this. But I can be relatively sure that it's shortening my lifespan. The stress response affects my body, affects my blood vessels. But it's not about self-preservation. It's affecting my life, my relationships, who I am and how I share that with others.

Father, I can't get out of this on my own. Circumstances surround me, try to hold me down. I slip backwards into depression and anger. How can I share your love with others when it seems to vanish from my own presence? Fill my cup, oh Lord. Let it overflow. You know exactly what I need. In my brokenness and weakness, You are strong, and Your strength shines through. Lord, I need You. I feel like I'm falling to pieces. I would love to have a new place to live, a place that I can afford, close to friends, where I can relax when I come home, study and do schoolwork, prepare for ministries, and have people come over. I don't think I can do this commuting thing for another semester, dealing with all the little things too. But it feels like things just aren't finished in Indiana. If I leave here now, I leave my church, my friends, bible study, the job that you provided me that I'm still waiting to start. I don't have the money to move to South Carolina yet or a way to find an apartment there. I know that You can take care of all of that for me. But it doesn't seem like I'm supposed to leave here yet. What am I supposed to do? Where can I go but to You? Lord, be my Provider again. Prepare me for this semester, that even in studying I would glorify You, my Lord and my Father. Help me to overcome anger, depression and frustration. And help me to be satisfied with your provision in my life. I need You. I need You so much. I need You to fill the void in my heart and in my life. I'm tired, and tired of feeling frustrated. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of getting my heart trampled on when I'm looking even just for friendship or occasional sympathy. I don't want to be a bitter person. But so many things are pushing me down the path that I don't want to go. And I've already fallen down that path. Lord, I need You! I need You to pull me out, to rescue me! I need You to make this life worth living. I am empty. I have nothing left to give to others. I can't stand for ministry to be rote. I need Your love in my life. I need to rely on You. I need an escape from what keeps me bound. I need a rescue, oh God. Please, rescue me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-v91MIT4GEg

Proverbs 27:19

Proverbs 27:19 fascinates me. I've seen it true so many times. Also there's quite a spin on interpretation when reading some versions.

¹⁹As in water face reflects face, So the heart of man reflects man. (NASB)
19 Like face looking at face in water, so are the hearts of men to one another. (BBE)
19 As in water face answereth to face, So the heart of man to man. (ASV)
19 You see your face in a mirror and your thoughts in the minds of others. (CEV)
19 As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man. (ESV)
¹⁹ As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man. (NIV)
19 As water reflects the face, so one human heart reflects another (NRSV, if memory serves right)

Maybe I'm just being too reflective. It happens when I have more time and less to do than I can handle. Ok, enough reflecting on here since I'm not going to do a complete mindspew anyway.

The Joy of Christmas

It's been said so many times before: joy comes from the Lord; we shouldn't see it as being circumstantial. But you know what? I still fall into that trap a lot. Or I fall into a similar one ruled by cognitive dissonance. I have joy. And I can be happy. But I have a melancholy personality. When I feel crappy, I know I have joy in my Savior. But I don't really get excited about Christmas. Sometimes I question if something is wrong with me. I love my Lord. I want to share Him with others. He has given me the gift of generosity. When I get to serve others, that brings me joy.

There's less than 2 weeks until Christmas. Am I looking forward to it? Not particularly. I don't have gifts for any of my family members. And I can't really afford to get them anything. From past experience, they don't seem to really appreciate the effort I put into making things for them. So gift giving is nearly a lost cause for me. Based on the less-than-pleasant experience of visiting them over Thanksgiving, I'm not really looking forward to that aspect much, either. Or having strange conversations with my family about faith - my father would stop going to church rather than give up the Masonic lodge if he were forced to choose, because he doesn't want the church to stifle his freedom; my sister stopped going to church services and goes to a book study currently on The Shack; she may or may not believe in mediums or reincarnation. And they don't really understand why I'm in seminary. I feel like I don't get support for what I do or what I want to do from them. They are unsatisfied with the church they are members of, but they refuse to try to make a difference or to look for another church because they're all the same.

So what of this joy that I am supposed to experience this time of year? I have hope in my Savior. I have joy in Him and in ministering in His name, for His glory. Christmastime doesn't make me giddy or excited. I cherish the hymns that remind us of how amazing God's plan is for our salvation through Jesus Christ. I appreciate greens and poinsettias. But it seems like I'm missing something crucial. Instead of anxiously awaiting the celebration of the birth of the Savior, it seems like a cultural thing that I'd like to pass. I'd love to truly celebrate it. I'd love to celebrate it with my family. I'd love to spend an hour with them in prayer. I'd love to open up to them about life and spiritual matters. I'd love to share with them my faith. I'd love to share the importance of the Scriptures pointing to Christ, God's Son and humanity's Redeemer. I'd love for them to become a people of prayer. I'd love to see their lives truly changed by the Lord. I'd love for my father to be joyful, not cynical. I'd love for him to have godly friends and to spend time with them. I'd love for him to be a true spiritual leader in the family, not just a spiritual decision-maker, whether for good or bad. I'd love for my mother to study the Bible, to understand it deeper, to be able to defend her faith. I'd love for my sister to date a man of God, not a decent person who's an unbeliever. I'd love for her to see why and how there's a difference. I'd love to see her give up watching the trashy tv shows and music. I'd love her to be strengthened and encouraged and challenged in her faith. And I'd love to tell more people about the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ, wholly man and wholly God, who experienced what it is to be human, who gave his life as a ransom for sin, that all who believe and call on Him would be saved. And I'd love a godly woman to share my life and faith with me. I'd love to empower others to study God's Word and to live by it. I'd love to call believers to live in holiness. I'd love to call believers to go out and stand with God in His mission to bring His message of forgiveness by faith through Jesus Christ to all the peoples of the earth, whether that means in Appalachia, the Pyrenees, the Andes, the Urals or anywhere else. I'd love to call cultural Christians to make a choice about Jesus and to lay down their lives to Him in obedience. I'd love to teach those people who call themselves Christians and yet don't know what it means to be one. I'd love to explain the Scriptures to them, to tell them about God's mission to reach ALL peoples. I'd love to worship and rejoice with my brothers and sisters in Christ throughout the world, to share with them the cup, to teach them and learn from them. Is the joy of Christmas in knowing that God is in control? Is it that Christ has already won the victory for us? Is it to know the future is certain and that God is sovereign over it, as the prophets often understood and anticipated? Is it to have faith in the Lord regardless of our circumstances?

I'd love for you to join with me in praying for these things, that the Lord would be glorified in us and in all that He does. May the joy of Christmas, the hope in the Lord and Savior who came to save us and to call us to Himself, be spread to all the peoples of the earth.

Forgiveness

At what cost are we forgiven? It's a question that comes to mind once in a while for me. I cringe at the simplistic answer "Jesus" because forgiveness is a deeper issue than that. Forgiveness of sins can be granted by God alone. Jesus emphasized this point when he claimed the ability to forgive sins (and thus claimed equality with God). But when I studied that statement in my class on the Gospels, the claim of forgiveness itself was not the issue. As my professor argued, it was easy to say that someone was forgiven, as that was a spiritual claim which could not be proven either way until that person reaches the final judgment (Matt. 9:2-8). But the healing, that was a problem because of the claim that Jesus made in doing it. Jesus made forgiveness sound simple here (Matt. 9:2, 5, 6). Jesus also warned at various times that people must forgive or face judgment for their likewise unforgiven sins (Matt. 6:12; Luke 6:37; John 20:23) So at what cost are we forgiven?

I say I'm sorry for stupid things. Unfortunately it happens frequently enough that I can remember times off the top of my head. But if I hurt somebody, or if I grieve God, what is the real cost of forgiveness? For the little things we often just brush them off; of course I forgive you for doing the little stuff that somehow hurt me. Maybe you were impolite to me. I'm over it. You are forgiven. But that's not the kind of forgiveness that I mean. And I think the reaction of not being mad or hurt by your (in)action begs the question of whether it's even actually forgiveness.

So what is forgiveness? It's ridding a debt between two parties. If I gossip about you, I have caused a problem for which I need to be forgiven. I have made myself the debtor in our relationship. No longer are we equals in this sense. My action has brought me into your debt. If I submit to it, you have control over me. Some people use this situation as a means for blackmail. You can lord the debt over me, though the degree of its effectiveness over my future actions depends on how I feel about it as well as other factors. There's a debt between two parties when forgiveness is necessary.

What is the cost of this forgiveness? I don't think about what it costs a person to forgive me. I don't think about the hours or days or longer that it takes for a person to forgive me. I don't think about Jesus' life when I ask for forgiveness of my sins. Occasionally I think about his death and resurrection. Sacrifices could not have imperfections. Jesus led a sinless life despite the temptations. Sins demand death. I am ransomed from death by the blood of the Lamb of God, who was slain for the forgiveness of sins of the world. Is forgiveness easy? Is it difficult? Was it difficult for Jesus? When he told people their sins were forgiven, did he think about his impending death on the cross? His resurrection? His ascension? Or did he just think of the authority granted him by the Father?

I don't fully understand the mystery of forgiveness. I know what it is. I know that I need it. I know that it is vital. It's costly. An innocent man gave his life for it. And I can - I must - forgive others as I have been forgiven. I must not let my pride keep me from forgiveness. It's challenging and freeing. But I feel unready and unworthy. And then I see grace in forgiveness.

some thoughts and a prayer

I am becoming convinced that sarcasm/cynicism breeds contempt.

Pretty much every day there are things that I should have handled differently. I'm getting tired of the taste of my feet. Somehow there's solace in Matthew 18:21-22, but I still find myself questioning it so often. I don't just want to think about and hear about grace. I think that can be the easy way out instead of really delving into the issues. If effectively unlimited forgiveness is the case, why does my church family kick me and tell me to get up (or to stay out of their way) when I know I've fallen? Yes, they're sinners also saved by the grace of the same God. How can we love our neighbors when we get frustrated and sick of our own family?

How can I truly share the fullness of joy and love in Christ Jesus my Savior when I feel, and have felt for some time now, the vast distance between myself and Him? I feel so distant from Him. And I'm trying to get back, I'm making time, I'm praying, but God still just feels distant. Maybe someone will remind me that even my feelings can be wrong, that God still loves me, just as much as always, that He has plans for me, that He is sovereign, that I need to rejoice in good days and bad. I'm exhausted in pretty much every sense. The only thing really left to do is to go cry before my Father somewhere in private. Maybe He's just let me become this exhausted so that I will cry, so that I can come before Him fully broken, not just cracked and hoping to get refurbished. I don't know.

How far can I fall but Your grace will still catch me? I cannot fathom the answer. You who knew me before I was born, You who called me from long ago. You alone are my Help, Redeemer. What I deserve, I hope never to see even in my dreams. I cannot stand before Your Holiness as a sinner. What mortal can look upon Your glory? To live for You would be a gift to small for the Creator and Sustainer of the universe, of life. Jesus Christ suffered and died in my place. That is something I lose sight of far too often. Oh Lord, please heal my vision that I would see You clearly, that You would be the center of my focus. May not I but You be in control of my life. May what You desire be what I desire.

Obedience

I wish that I could say honestly that I am fully obedient to my Lord, at all times in all ways. But the more I know my Lord, the more I see how far away my shortcomings take me - and thus I see ever more the need for what He has done by His suffering, death and resurrection in order to forgive my multitude of sins and to bring me back into a right relationship with Him. And so the more I know Him and understand what He has done for me and for all mankind, the more I love and admire Him and the more I desire to serve Him.

To what extent should we be obedient to Him? We who believe and thus are saved are to become increasingly like Jesus Christ. Since He is God, disobedience to any of what He has commanded is sin. Therefore we ought to be striving to be fully obedient to His words, easy or difficult, for better or for worse.

Obedience should be of utmost importance to us. Jesus Christ died for our sins. Because of His obedience to the Father, we can rejoice in the fact that we have new life in Him. We ought to willingly submit our entire lives to Him. What should happen when obedience to God becomes detrimental to our earthly lives? We must seek to be obedient all the more. There are times when this is a tremendous challenge. But if Jesus Christ commands it, that should be sufficient for us to obey.

What if we are obedient but our ministries are unfruitful? We get frustrated. Without quantitative progress, perhaps resources we need will be diverted to faster growing areas, leaving us in need. Certain fields are considered ministerial "dead zones." But even there -- especially there -- our witness to the saving work of our Lord Jesus Christ must remain. As Hesselgrave wrote, "Years of patient preevangelistic endeavor may be the price of responsiveness" to the Gospel. We cannot give up. Even if there were no other reason to continue, Christ commands us to be witnesses. That alone would be enough. It doesn't make obedience easier, but regardless, we still must be obedient. Until His triumphant return, we are to be His witnesses. The sower must plant seeds in drought and in fair weather, for he never knows when the rains will come and when they will be withheld. The sower does not stop planting because the harvest is forecast to be small. Therefore let us have hope and be strengthened, obedient to our Lord and Savior. It may not be easy, but it is a worthy endeavor.