Sometimes we mistake our leaders for what they're not. They're not the answer to all our problems. They're fallible. They can and do make bad decisions, choose the path of pride rather than humility, and do things for selfish reasons. And it's easy, especially during election season, to see their faults.
I've noticed a sense of expectation toward seminary-trained people, too. They should have it all together. They should have God's blessing, since they're following Him. They should know where God is leading them. They have an inside track with God. Well, those who believe they've heard God's call haven't arrived.
As a person in seminary, I have struggles with pride, insecurities, and a lot of other things, too. I don't have a clue what's going to happen after my trip to southeast Europe. I have no job, no housing, nothing lined up. I'm not even sure what state I should live in. Most of my friends are in very different areas of life, and it's hard to find people who understand. It's hard to find friends who have time, too. I'm concerned that it's so difficult to even imagine what it will be like to work in the Balkans. It's disheartening to have so little idea what to expect in the next year of my life. And then there's that weird feeling in the back of my mind that maybe I won't come back. That I'll die in some freak accident before I even get there. It's an irrational fear. But the doubts about my future keep coming. And I've heard "not now" so many times in the last six months. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm tired of getting ready for change and then being disappointed. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of spending time getting to know people and then they suddenly disappear and cut ties with me. I'm worn out from the turnover. Lots of people aren't great at keeping up; I understand. But what happened to those friendships that we built? I guess they were castles in the sand. I've sought wisdom about what kind of work to pursue. Nearing the end of my second degree, I don't know if I'm any closer to knowing how to spend my days. There are so many things that I could do, and I wish I could have some closure instead of fumbling over ideas when people ask.
I'm striving toward Christlikeness, but it's hard, and I fail a lot. That's perhaps one of the most significant lessons I've learned in seminary - that I fall short of what God wants - I fall really short. But Christlikeness is meant for all of us, not just seminarians. Every person is created in God's image. God's call isn't elitist. How can you be refined in the image of Christ? By making everyday choices. By trusting and believing what He reveals to you, even when it's small. Even when all you know is that you should be prepared to go, even if you don't know where and don't have the resources to make it.
