Leaders, Idols (rant)

Sometimes we mistake our leaders for what they're not. They're not the answer to all our problems. They're fallible. They can and do make bad decisions, choose the path of pride rather than humility, and do things for selfish reasons. And it's easy, especially during election season, to see their faults.

I've noticed a sense of expectation toward seminary-trained people, too. They should have it all together. They should have God's blessing, since they're following Him. They should know where God is leading them. They have an inside track with God. Well, those who believe they've heard God's call haven't arrived.

As a person in seminary, I have struggles with pride, insecurities, and a lot of other things, too. I don't have a clue what's going to happen after my trip to southeast Europe. I have no job, no housing, nothing lined up. I'm not even sure what state I should live in. Most of my friends are in very different areas of life, and it's hard to find people who understand. It's hard to find friends who have time, too. I'm concerned that it's so difficult to even imagine what it will be like to work in the Balkans. It's disheartening to have so little idea what to expect in the next year of my life. And then there's that weird feeling in the back of my mind that maybe I won't come back. That I'll die in some freak accident before I even get there. It's an irrational fear. But the doubts about my future keep coming. And I've heard "not now" so many times in the last six months. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm tired of getting ready for change and then being disappointed. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of spending time getting to know people and then they suddenly disappear and cut ties with me. I'm worn out from the turnover. Lots of people aren't great at keeping up; I understand. But what happened to those friendships that we built? I guess they were castles in the sand. I've sought wisdom about what kind of work to pursue. Nearing the end of my second degree, I don't know if I'm any closer to knowing how to spend my days. There are so many things that I could do, and I wish I could have some closure instead of fumbling over ideas when people ask.

I'm striving toward Christlikeness, but it's hard, and I fail a lot. That's perhaps one of the most significant lessons I've learned in seminary - that I fall short of what God wants - I fall really short. But Christlikeness is meant for all of us, not just seminarians. Every person is created in God's image. God's call isn't elitist. How can you be refined in the image of Christ? By making everyday choices. By trusting and believing what He reveals to you, even when it's small. Even when all you know is that you should be prepared to go, even if you don't know where and don't have the resources to make it.

Careful with Words

I've been guilty quite a few times of poor use of the English language. I use vague terms or archaic terms. Every so often I catch myself doing this, and then I get stuck in the awkward phase of wondering how to change my vernacular as I'm talking. Maybe this will make better sense with an example. So often when it comes to international missions, people talk about going overseas. Although this may be a correct explanation, it's still a worn-out term. Do people still talk about the Orient? They do, but countries and territories are called by their names rather than being called the Orient. If I go to Europe for missionary work, I am going overseas. But do international workers or expatriates live and work internationally or overseas?

I'm not just striving to be more politically correct. I want to be sensitive to other cultures. I do not want to go to another nation, another people group and look down on them because of their culture or because they have not yet heard about Christ. I want to be involved in missions; I want to be involved in God's mission. I hope to humbling serve with love, and that includes listening to how I talk. Am I talking down other cultures and, ultimately, people indirectly?

Quietude

The summer of '10 I moved to South Carolina. I wasn't sure what I was doing beyond taking what I perceived as a step of faith. I arrived without any job prospects, living in a cheap barracks-style apartment. There are 14 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms, one kitchen and one livingroom. In the year and a half that I've lived there, I would be hard-pressed to even remember all the guys who lived here. They come and they go, a lot like a long-term hotel. I've made some great friendships with a few of them, but we don't always get involved in each others' lives. We're roommates who may or may not even talk to each other, much less hang out.

I got a job that summer as a painter for Ben Lippen schools. I painted using 3 main colors: coir, cloth and quietude. The former two were shades of institutional yellow-tan; the latter was a teal-green. Quietude was used in the middle school classrooms, probably because greens supposedly have a calming psychological effect. Anyway, I spent a lot of hours painting quietude on the walls.

Why do I start talking about paint after not writing for so long? Maybe it's word association. But it's time to come back to the present. I'm sitting on my bed at the mission agency writing. I think everyone left to watch a college bowl game at someone's house. Since I'm not interested and rather tired, I decided not to go. It's strange being at a training and being pretty much the only person around. It leaves me with time to read all the books that I need to finish by the end of next week for my winter term class. And it gives me time to reflect on life (whether that's good or bad).

Since November, at least three close friends have moved away from Columbia. A fourth is looking for jobs and so I probably won't see him much even while he's still here. I just realized that 2 more friends left in December. Another one will probably leave by April. I know that I'm back in a college setting and that I should expect lots of change, but man, this stinks.

As I look forward to certain changes in my own life, I can't help but wonder about my current state. Is this better than if I hadn't come to seminary and incurred all this student debt? I'm expecting to graduate in December 2012 as long as things work out more or less how I think they will. But I'm pushing myself a lot. This last semester was spiritually catastrophic for me. Any gains made over the summer vanished in an instant. I have knowledge, but I still struggle with applying it to my own life. And for being almost ready to graduate from seminary, my knowledge of the Bible isn't great by a long shot. I worked as much as I could. I pushed myself to get all of my assignments done on time - and that was pretty hard with 3 classes. When I had free time, I crashed. It wasn't just unproductive, it was wasted. I didn't have the energy or motivation left to do anything worthwhile with it. I didn't even rest well; I fell into a kind of avoiding discomfort mindset. Friendships fell to the wayside too. And I regret that I essentially gave up on friendships for a while. Along with realizing and doing something about my need to cut back, my friendships could have kept me from falling so far. To those of you who prodded me as friends to keep in touch and hang out and talk, thank you. I needed it more than I was willing to admit.

The last few days I've been taking account of my life recently. I strive for so many things. I got good grades, but as so many have pointed out, how many people really ask what grades you got in seminary? Few, if any. I'm involved in good things, and often those things do help get me interacting with others, which I need. But it may leave me drained. And I don't know exactly what I'm going to do. Do I keep pushing, telling myself that it will get easier after (this semester, graduation, I get a job, etc.)? I know that it won't get easier if I keep this pace. I already crashed and burned. I want to be involved in ministry. I want to glorify God in it. I want to be able to share Jesus with people. Isn't that, along with a sense of obedience, why I made the plunge to seminary in the first place? I feel like I just keep getting held back longer from doing things that really make a difference. And in saying that, I realize that I might not be satisfied with mission either, because I'm making it a destination. What I do here has significance too. I might not see the results of what I'm doing, but that doesn't negate any effects.

I know at least 3 people who left grad school/seminary. I'm not sure how many of those will be back. This past semester I made a couple trips to the North Carolina mountains. That was my respite, even if it was very short. The second trip I was desperate to leave town even for a day. If I keep doing what I've been doing, I could be another person who leaves with only a couple classes left. I don't want that to happen.

So what do I change? Well, I guess that's what the next couple of weeks will decide. My job and ministry situations need to be made clear. I need to get the spring semester structured, since right now it looks like a lot of things going on and a lot of flexibility for scheduling. I need to schedule unstructured time for prayer and Bible study and creativity. I intended to do that last semester, and I never followed through on it. Here's to a better winter/spring....